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I don't know what to call this post ...

This has been a difficult one to post - it has been in my drafts for quite a long time. But here goes nothing.

As it is Baby Loss Awareness week this got me thinking about some things that I have compartmentalised right in the back of my head and here I am sharing them for the world to see but it's something that I personally don't really talk about and most of my family don't even have a clue, but across the board not a lot of people speak about it. It's something people struggle with on a day to day basis and we need to bring awareness to it and remind people that they are not alone.

 As I'm sure sure you're all aware I have a little girl called April, she is away to turn four and she's is perfectly healthy and happy. But before I had April and since having April I have had complications. I'm only going to speak about after April because previous is in the past. I had a very traumatic time with April's birth, long long story short is I didn't know I was pregnant until I was in physical labour! No word of a lie - it took everyone by surprise and four years on I'm still trying to figure it out. But anyway after about 11 hours of difficulty the doctors finally decided to take me through to theatre for an Emergency Cesarean which was traumatic enough.

So after that and me and Sam tried to change our lives (a twenty year old girl and a twenty two year old boy) completely to revolve around this little thing that had very powerful vocal chords. But even almost four years on it's still difficult but I'm proud to say that we got our shit together and we have done a bloody amazing job (pats on the back all round). But since then we have always thought of adding to our family, I have always wanted two or three kids and Sam basically wants a football team but sometimes things just don't turn out the way you want. The past few years have been a roller coaster of emotions and problems fertility wise. There has been a lot of tears cried in the bathroom huddled around pregnancy tests - clearblue have made a damn fortune from us! There have been times where a faint little second line appeared and we got all excited - literally jumping around and crying tears of happiness, planning when to tell our families and what names we like but those times ended after a few days or even a couple of weeks where I started to bleed excessively. Not going to go into details of that but trust me, you know when something passes other than the norm period. Each time this has happened I try and keep a brave face, smile to Sam and say, "we'll just keep trying" but to be completely honest, it kills me inside. I beat myself up, I feel broken, empty, like a complete failure of a woman. I mean the 'caveman' thought is women are here to have babies and I can't even do that! I hated walking down the street and seeing a pregnant woman, I was jealous of them - that's a horrible thing to say but I craved what they had. It sucks but over time I have stopped beating myself up so much also Sam has been a massive support and I know it effects him hard too but we keep going on, it's not like we can just stop and give up on life. Plus April keeps us going especially at about 6 o'clock in the morning, we're very proud parents.

I have been told this could be down to my thyroid which is very under active, my iron levels as I'm very anaemic or just the fact that my body went through so much having April that it's just shocked it so it's not working as it should. But I won't give up and I'm not going to lie, if my period is a day late of course all of those thoughts are going to rush round my head of little fingers and toes but if it does turn out that it's just April that we have then we've both said that perfectly fine, of course it is. She every bit of us and we can happily be the three amigos! 

I just wanted to write this and let anyone out there who has went though this know that you're not broken, you're not a failure of a woman. These thing just happen sometimes, sometimes there's nothing we can do but keep going.

8 comments

  1. Im so sorry that you have been through all this! But i admire you for being so brave and write about it. I always like to think that life has a plan for us and sometimes it doesnt go exacly in the order we would like it to go :) All the best to you and your gorgeous family Xx Eni

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    1. Hello Eni, thank you. Thats very true, we've just got to go with the flow I guess even if it isn't what we want. Thank you for your comment and kind words. All the best to your family too!! X

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  2. Infertility is shit and unless people have been through it themselves no one can true,ply understand just how upsetting it is. As I've told you before I too have an underactive thyroid and as well as having high uterine killer cells that was put down to me not getting pregnant over the years and also my last 4 IVFs failing. Changing clinics this Summer & having all kind of tests done my 5th IVF was successful briefly as my HCG levels were starting to drop but it was not to be. I'm not giving up either and hopefully it will happen for both of us (and for others who are trying). xx

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    1. It is shit. You've had a rough journey too, hopefully it'll happen for us both and for everyone else trying like you said. X

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  3. So much love for all of you right now!


    Georgie
    xoxo

    TheLipstickDaily

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  4. Sarah, I've not met you at any of the blogger meet ups as I've only been to two but this is like reading about my own life. I have a little boy who will be 4 in Feb. We have been trying for number 2 for over 2 years. Not even a hint of a positive test in all that time. I am a lot older than you so I feel we don't have time on our side so we have just had our first fertility appointment. I am not very positive that they know what's going wrong. Like you, we would be content if 3 is all we can be but I can tell my little boy would love a sibling, I just wish I could make that wish come true. Amy xx

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  5. I'm so sorry, Sarah. I've got everything crossed you get your wish.

    As for not knowing you were pregnant, I remember - when I was about six months along - somebody saying to me that they didn't believe people who said they didn't know they were pregnant, and me arguing that I could 100% believe it. I had known from implantation but only because I was looking for the signs - my periods are all over the place so I could easily have made it to six months without realising why I was feeling a bit rundown; if your baby's movements weren't that strong, I can absolutely see how you could overlook them.

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